Helpful... But Maybe Not?

 My friend Ruth and I have had some great opportunities to hang out this summer and learn from each other. She is incredibly observant, empathetic, and asks good questions. 

Last week we went out to dinner together to this excellent Thai restaurant, and I got my favorite: pineapple pad thai. Rice is so so yummy, but also tricky for me to eat: my wonky fine motor skills make it hard to get big bites from the plate to my mouth without spilling most of it, so I have learned to take smaller bites and position my plate where I can have an easier angle for bringing my fork up and down to feed myself. So when the food arrived, I set up my space and very carefully "dug in," quite impressed with how tidy I was being in this tasty experience. A couple of times, our very sweet waitress came by to check on us and noticed a) that I was eating very slowly and b) that my plate was at a little distance. So to be super helpful, she pushed my plate really close to me and nodded with satisfaction and walked away. I paused and sighed, and Ruth asked if I would like help repositioning my plate. 

"Does that happen often?" she asked. 

"What, that people are unhelpful in their efforts to help?" I clarified, with a twinge of annoyance in my tone. 

"Yeah," Ruth said, "How does that make you feel?"

I thought about it for a minute while I chewed and swallowed, and then here's how I responded: 

To be honest, I think I have a lot more patience and grace for strangers who do it than the people who are close to me. Strangers don't know me, so they can't know what I'm capable of or that I have reasons for the specific ways I do things. I feel like they are sincere in their desire to be helpful, and I don't want to discourage that, so I try to thank them, or at the very least not snap at them. But really, it is way better if you ask first, instead of assuming you know what is needed. 

Unfortunately, I am often not as gracious with my family and close friends. I should be, because their desire to help is just as sincere and valid and certainly even more pure because of their love and investment in me. So I pray a lot that God will help me with my attitude and to adjust my raw responses to them that come out less than grateful. But in a way I get more frustrated with them because they do know me much better, so I think they should know these things about me by now: I am stubborn and independent, and I want to at least try a thing on my own first, struggle with it, and figure out what works best. I think I have a healthy awareness of my limits, so if I want/need help, I will definitely say so and tell you how you can be a part of the solution. And as we experience those things together, then you learn what to jump in and do for me, versus what to let me do, no matter how slow and awkward it may seem. 

No matter who it is, I want to recognize and appreciate that at the core they see me struggling and want to do something to make my life easier. And it is my responsibility (and in a way, ministry) to communicate with kindness what I need and don't need, or just express that it is good for them to ask questions. There's no point in me getting all offended and jumping to the conclusion that people think I'm completely helpless; that doesn't help them become better helpers. If I take the time to thank them for their thoughtfulness and then patiently explain a better approach, then they can be equipped to be a more effective helper next time, to whoever they encounter. And wouldn't that make the world a better place?