10 years ago, this week...

 On July 18, 2014, I left Fort Wayne, for what I thought was forever. 

This ten-year mark has hit me pretty heavily this week and the memories have tasted quite bittersweet, as I reflect on who I was then, and all that the Lord has done in my heart since. 

I left Fort Wayne feeling defeat, grief, regret, and shame; to me, it was the place where everything was beautiful and then everything was terrible, and there was a tension in my spirit of wanting to cut ties, burn bridges, never look back...and also grasp the frayed edges of what once was and desperately hold on for dear life. I was convinced that I had failed everyone who mattered to me, and also that God had failed me. It took several years for me to really be able to unravel those lies and the choke-hold they had on me. 

Still, I resisted any suggestion that I might return someday. I told God I would go anywhere - anywhere in the world - except Fort Wayne. And He patiently waited me out. I was afraid, so cripplingly afraid. What if God filled my life with amazing people and ministry and experiences again, and I messed it all up again? Or what if he fills me with hope again and he doesn't meet my expectations of those hopes again? These things could certainly happen anywhere in the world, but I just felt that they happened for me in this weird midwestern city. 

God closed every other door I tried to open during those eight years, healing my heart, and gently kept calling me back, waiting for me to really submit and say yes, period. Wherever, period. Even if... 

Here I am. 

Once again, He really has filled my life with amazing people, ministry, and experiences. Once again, he fills me with hope. I'm still afraid I'll fail, but I've grown and matured a lot since the last time. I don't know if it is that I'm actually stronger and healthier in my spirit, or if I'm just more aware of my need to lean heavily into the arms of Jesus. He holds me up, carries me, leads me, and helps me respond with more love and grace, because I've received so much more of his love and grace, in the past ten years. 

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